My Guru is a Bitch.
Have you ever heard the word guru, have you ever used the word or maybe heard it tossed about from time to time, especially in the yoga community?
Merriam Webster defines guru as: a personal teacher and spiritual guide. Guru in Sanskrit means: “weighty” or “grave”.
I have been told to that I have an “inner guru,” that I am my own source of knowing and understanding…..and I believe this, I really do, but I don’t necessarily feel it, or I think I hear my guru and then 10 minutes later, my guru is telling me to do the complete opposite thing….it seems that my guru is very confused or maybe drunk or maybe she just puffed a massive joint! How the hell do I know which voice is my guru??? Or is it that, I was just too polite, as I can tend to be, and when the inner guru’s were applying for the position of “Andrea’s inner guru,” I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so I hired them ALL, and now, they clearly have not appointed a head inner guru, because they are all vying for my attention.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had experiences and made choices from a place of inner knowing, but it seems for me anyway, more times than not, I’m just not sure, and I just don’t know. Now admitting that, especially to you, who may be reading this blog as a trusted source of guidance, telling you I don’t have a fucking clue is scary as hell. But that’s just it, that’s what all my guru’s would agree upon: to be real, to be authentic, to be vulnerable, to tell you the TRUTH, because it’s true, and it’s me, and I am enough. And you know what’s crazy? It seems the more I can admit, I don't know, the more at peace I feel, the more I can be patient with my ego, who wants to suck up all of the information in existence, read every yoga book ever published, and listen to every entrepreneur podcast trending, the more I can see that I often fill myself with endless information because I feel that I am missing something, that somehow this information will make me whole. Yet, the more ok I can be with NOT KNOWING, the more I show up as me, a me that can tune in with you, because I don’t already think I know you, or think that I have the answers for you, or think that you are better or worse than me, but the more that I can meet you, the more I see you. And to see you is ENOUGH, to hear you is ENOUGH. I do not need to know your answers for you to value me as a human and you do not need to know mine, for me to value you as a human.
What I do know, is that when I look into your eyes from this place of NOT KNOWING, I see my guru. I see you as my guru, I see the people that I understand the least, as my guru, I see my habits and addictions as my guru, I see every single situation, event, response, reaction, temper tantrum, victory, failure, hope, and disappointment as my guru. This life is my guru. And sometimes, my guru is a major bitch, sometimes she’s mean, she’s not fair, she makes absolutely no sense, I really just cant stand her! And that’s the kicker, all 10 of those guru’s in my head, are my guru’s, they are all showing me in one way or another, how to step into my truth. My truth of knowing, that it does not make me less than to not know. And that intellectually, I may not EVER know, but I CAN FEEL. And I can feel what it feels like to look into your eyes and smile. I can feel what it feels like to tell you how beautiful you are and remind you that you are enough, I can feel what it feels like, to get so fucking brave that I can stand up here and tell you I don’t know anything,
I can feel that. Can you feel that? So next time you feel…ANYTHING….say hello to your guru, the guru that is Life itself.
You are Beautiful. You are Whole. You are Enough. -Andrea Dawn